Before I started my healing journey, I thought I had it all figured out. Life was great, or so I thought. Until one by one everything in my life started falling apart. The walls started crumbling and I felt like I was being buried alive. The truth is, life felt good because I was so disconnected from my feelings and reality that nothing even mattered. And slowly but surely as I started reconnecting, all of these really heavy things started to come up and I realized nothing mattered because I didn't really want to be here anyways. Then one day, I came face to face with death and everything changed...
I realized the connection between body, mind and spirit. I finally understood that after years of suppression, it became my depression and I was literally drowning in it. Heavy thoughts and feelings holding me under like bricks. My spirit was dead. My mind a mess. And all I wanted was rest.
You see wanting rest and receiving it are 2 completely different things... I was so tired I prayed for God to take me out. And he has a funny way of giving us exactly what we ask for. It started with Endometriosis and Cancer at 27 years old. But of course I kept pushing through. I didn't realize the what was right in front of me. An opportunity to rest and recharge and I was disappointed/ungrateful.
Fast forward to 2022 after years of pushing through and not resting, again I prayed for rest. This time, I was facing suicidal thoughts. Was taken out of work and given time to recover... Do you think I listened. Took the time?
I sure didn't. And now I face a detached labral in my hip and a possible hip replacement. I'll know more soon and will update but I say all of this to say... Sometimes we get mad, sad, disappointed, resentful even when we're getting the very things we asked for.
This isn't just a lesson in being careful what you wish for, but learning how to change your perspective when you don't get what you think you asked for. You truly never know how something that breaks your heart might actually be saving your soul.